Roy Halladay (honorary cracker)

Roy Halladay gets a nomination despite the fact that he is:

a) white.
b) an upstanding individual with no hilarious off field altercations.

So why does Halladay get nominated then. Well there are several reasons. First of all he is intimidating and intense, much like the most terrifying of negroes in sports today. Also the lack of legitimate African representation on his team the Blue Jays means that he takes over as the chief terrorizer.

For a white person Halladay has several qualities generally only associated with niggerdom. He's got a thick nappy beard the likes of which Don Imus would have alot to say about, also his full name... Leroy,just conjures of images of some ebony man strutting his stuff down the street. And at 6'5" he towers over most regular crackers, add into that the fact that he's standing on the pitchers mound as a batter you probably feel like Michael Caine with the Zulu nation staring down at you from the top of the hill when he looks in for his sign.

Renaissance

So it's another one of these lame posts about me rediscovering my rude crude and awesome self, I once again pulled my head out of my ass or in this case my oh so sandy vagina and am once again ready to shock and awful the world.

Languishing in my own world of shittiness which I had mostly brought upon myself made not exactly the most likeable person and was in no way entertaining. And entertaining the masses has been somewhat of my self proclaimed calling card over the last seven to nine years or so. Anyways sorry for the interruption back to the good stuff.

Trainwreck

This weekend I went out for some birthday celebrations which ended in me running around naked in the freezing cold on King Street in the lovely city of Waterloo. And for the record the only reason I was outside was because I had thrown up on several patrons at my lovely downtown establishment.

Anyways it was a sweet night that went shitty in a hurry, I felt like the family of Jews on the train in World War Two when you go from "Wooohooo free train ride!" to "Oh shit it's a train ride to a camp o death."

AHHHHH CHARLIE MURPHY!!!!!!

Whenever I think my life is shitty, I just look at Charlie Murphy, this guy has the worst luck ever. First of all he had to grow up with Eddie Murphy, which is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. I mean generally when people get older they think before they speak and they talk less/slower.

Now at age whatever the fuck age Eddie Murphy is currently at he's a loud mouthed douche bucket who's talks faster than Danny Heatley drives Ferrari's yet he has nothing of consequence to say, and they time when he was relevant/funny is long gone. Now Charlie has to live in the shadow of this waste of semen and then when he was finally passing through his life being eclipsed by his failboat of a brother Dave Chappelle goes bat shit crazy leaving Charlie out of a job drowning in a sea of obscurity once again. No matter how bad anything I have to deal with has been I haven't had to watch someone be much more succesful than I was, and then finally when I am just starting to have an encounter with success have it pulled away. It would be like the life equivalent of getting a blow job then someone grabs the girl who's fellating you, she bites down in shock and then is dragged away leaving you unsatisfied and with your dick all cut and bloody.... shitty buzz.

Ron Artest

So the next long awaited nominee for the MTN award, is Ron Artest, or as he is known in some circles, "The Truckface Killah". This guy has many qualifications for this award, first of all being defensive player of the year usually means you have a good chunk of the criteria nailed down.



As most people who were alive the last few years are aware Ron Artest was part of the infamous brawl in the Pistons and Pacers game a few years back. For his throwdown with Ben Wallace and attacking fans he got a 73 game suspension.

As a rookie Ron Artest applied for a job at Circuit City just so he could get the employee discount. He once asked his coach for a month off because he was overworked doing promo for some musical act on his production label. He was also suspended for destroying a TV camera at Madison Square Gardens in 2003. Off the court he has faced legal trouble for not feeding his dog and domestic violence.

In the summer of 2008 when it was reported that he had been traded to the Houston Rockets, Yao Ming made some remarks regarding the brawl to which Artest responded. "I’m not going to take it personal. I understand what Yao said, but I’m still ghetto. That’s not going to change. I’m never going to change my culture. Yao has played with a lot of black players, but I don’t think he’s ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture"

Not too much left to say about this guy, but if you don't find his niggerdom terrifying, check out his face or his horrible attempt at a rap career which is too appalling for me to get into on this blog.

Innapropriate syndrome

For some reason I have this sick obsession with making jokes that are super insensitive, always seeing how far I can push the limits while still getting a laugh or in the very least a grin while the person looks down at their feet shaking their heads at the fact that they thought that it was funny. My earliest memory of chasing the shock comments was in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, although I felt for the poor people that couldn't help themselves in that situation, I think the arrogance of building a city below sea level in prime hurricane territory was just begging to be ripped on by some asshole such as myself. There was a plethora of uncalled for comments in the wake of the storm most of which had to be followed with a "too soon?".

Anyways my next idea of something that would have been hilarious was came during baby watch 2006 waiting for Brangelina's little bundle of People magazine revenue. I campaigned openly about how the baby being a stillborn would be the funniest thing that could happen, with the hundreds of photographers all camped out awaiting the birth of the newest most coveted photo, some spokesperson comes down from the house to inform them all their is no baby. The months of "look at how she's dressing maybe she's pregnant" and "mommy to be out on the town" photos all would have culminated into the gossip magazines equivalent of shooting blood and air from your dick after an orgasm.

Next was the death of the affable Steve Irwin aka the crocodile hunter, this was just begging for it. I went all out for this one seeing as it happened somewhat close to Halloween I got super decked out in my Steve Irwin gear blood soaked shirt, blonde wig and crouching for no particular reason all night long.








Although based on those photos I'm not sure what was worse the concept of the costume or the ridiculous amount of man thigh that was exposed.

Anyways some of my other more memorable horrible comments include. Teacher asking if anyone has any other stupid questions to which I reply:"Did Owen Hart just land in the middle of the ring or did he hit the turnbuckle first?"

"How about that awesome 4 person wrestling match this summer you know the one with Chris Benoit v.s. his family... although nobody won which was a bit of a bummer"

along with many others that I am blanking on right now...

anyways I finally have my head back where it should be and am not wasting my days sitting around being a little bitch not writing on here, so that means more terrifying niggers and general useless commentary on life to follow.